How To Be Irish
Fed up chasing the elusive Irish spirit? Never entirely sure about how to be Irish?..Like you wish you could just nail down EXACTLY what is and isn’t Irish. Something far more concrete than just “You know yourself” or “Sure have a pint and ponder it”. After 12,500 years of ambiguity, the ANTIblog has the solution.
!!Learn how to be Irish with our list of accessible nuggets of insight!!
Or, if you think you already have the whole Irish thing down, discover whether you are in fact 100% true clover. Because if you do need a little help, all you need to do is follow some straightforward steps. These easy tidbits of guidance (green white and) gold will see you right.
!!To the devil with endless green clouds of vagueness!!
Finally, a comprehensive body of work that defines what it is to be descended from fair Erin’s Isle. One that uses the unparalleled power of Irish humor to unravel the truth. How else to crack through that hardened Irish casing? Wit is what makes the Irish who they are.
Each day, we’ll be adding another ORIGINAL ‘lesson’ to the list, the ANTIblog’s contribution to undimming the shades of green. So feel free to check in whenever you feel you might be veering from The Path.
!!Your Irish identity masterclass starts (and ends) here!!
No enrollment, no homework, just distilled essence of what it takes to be true green – served up in stupendously digestible portions.
How To Be Irish #1 – #46
#1 Don’t find it odd that with a population of 6 million, Ireland boasts the same number of Nobel Laureates in Literature as China, India and Nigeria combined.
#2 Thank the Bus Driver
#3 Be sure Olé, Olé, Olé is an Irish chant.
#4 Feel genuine envy when you hear of the drastic increases in temperature global warming is causing elsewhere
#5 Scrap all punctuation in favor of the word ‘like’
#6 Harbor a genuine mistrust of authority.
If you are the authority, Harbor a genuine mistrust of self.
#8 Backslap, Hug, Slobber and Sweat on your drinking buddies, but never Touch the pint of another.
#9 Sing heart-wrenching laments about your dream of Soaring over the green hills of fair Erin’s Isle, but Fail to book the flight.
#10 Start going to mass so you can use Catholic repression to justify your drinking
#11 Know The Flight of the Earls is not a band name*
#12 Convince yourself it was like that when you got there
#13 Be almost certain by June that spring is in the air
#14 Choose only partners who accept that Spud will always come first
#15 Know that speaking even the most disgraceful English in this life could never undo the thousands of lifetimes when Gaelic graced your tongue
#17 Laugh to hide the pain, Smile at how well you do it.
#18 Despite shouting yourself hoarse, still Suspect the inanimate object of playing dumb.
#19 When your therapist gets too inquisitive, Tell them you don’t want to go into it. And to pull you another pint.
#20 Come equipped with a mouth that has 2 settings: Long-Winded or Tight-Lipped
#21 Greet horses semi-formally
#22 Once it hits 60° F, Commence to Sweat.**
#23 Allow others to assume you’ve read Joyce
#24 Worry about the gene pool
#25 Instantly Think Supply & Demand when you hear someone has ‘an alcohol problem’
#26 Repress as much as possible. Finding news ways to not cope with your emotions is what gives life its tension.
#27 Know that Fiction is a far more popular genre than Non-Fiction. Adapting speech accordingly.
#28 Compliment as a prelude to insult
#29 Pitch the Irish way as the Great Leap Forward (Covering your tracks)
#30 After a long day of complaining, caviling and criticizing, Sit back and Unwhine.
#31 Prefer Wild Geese to Battery Chickens
#32 Notice your family tree grows in a circle
#33 Struggle with non-Irish accents, Find most other Irish accents incomprehensible.
#34 Repress your emotions, especially when dealing with conflict. Say “Sure, it’s grand” (x 5, at least) and “Don’t worry about it” (x 3). Then Proceed to never see that person again.
#35 Feel drinking games are only for the seriously undermotivated.
#36 Maintain your Irishness with a: ! Explain your Irishness with a: ?
#37 Caught red handed, Laugh about your actions. With a bit of luck, the person will understand it’s a joke they didn’t know they should get.
#38 Feel your cerebral quirkiness validated, now that humanity is urged to Think Green
#39 Recognize a true Irish Buzz: Be able to tell the exact moment when the craic hits 90.
#40 Hope you get into heaven. And that Roy Keane is the bouncer.
#41 After stating you’re Irish, leave a pause. In case they want to clap.
#42 Flip the script for what you love. Respond to anti-Spud cruelty by making potato skins a meal.
#43 Tell a drinking buddy from a sheebeen sleveen.
#44 See your people as a joyous form of cancer, always popping up where most expected, constantly spreading.
#45 Accept that the Gods may sometimes test your will and dedication to your craft, sending plagues, disasters & superviruses around St. Patrick’s Day. But if even your sponsor can’t get you to sit out that drinking session…
#46 Find it natural that the patron saint is a (snake) charmer.
More Praise for How To Be Irish
Wise throughout, yet never preachy…the new go-to for anyone looking to understand the ways of the Irish— The Drumshanbo Globe
I read it in less than a day – and it was my wedding day!— Daphney Drear, The Chimes on Sunday Magazine
* Shout-out to the similarly named Flight of the Earls Ceili Band from Belgium.
** In Irish terms, that’s ’15° C’ (transliterated as ‘barbecue weather’).